You Were Made for More! Part 3: You Live What You Believe
“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning
Some of the unexpected benefits I received from being a parent were the opportunities to learn profound things from the books and movies we shared with our kids. People who want to be good parents choose their children’s books and the movies they watch based on the content being healthy and instructive, and often funny. In my mind one of the best movies I ever purchased for my kids was Second Hand Lions.
I won’t bother you with the plot details, except to say the film has all the elements of a great and lasting story and that you owe it to yourself to watch it. The best of those elements occurs in a speech one uncle (played by Robert Duvall) shares with his young nephew (played by Haley Joel Osment) who is wanting to know the keys to being a good man. His uncle begins, “Sometimes, the things that may or may not be true, are the things that a man needs to believe in the most” and ends with “It doesn't matter if those things are true. A man needs to believe in them, because those are the things worth believing in.” I’ll leave it to you to watch the movie and learn what those “things” are.
The important idea within the speech is that if a person is to live a meaningful life then she or he has to determine the principles that they will use to guide their life, then stick with them. If you believe the principles you’ve selected are worthwhile, then you, and only you, have a daily choice about whether you will live by them or ignore them. It’s an idea that’s a bit out of fashion right now, as many people chose to believe that their lives are dictated by forces outside of their control – Fate, Kismet, corporations, whoever is President, etc.. But that thinking surrenders the one thing that makes us human beings – the ability to choose.
If you want to attain the life you were made for, then you must first decide the extent to which you believe the course of your life is within your own control. Psychologists call this Locus of Control (or LOC) and describe it as Internal or External. Simply put, a person with an internal LOC perceives themselves as having the ability to influence the course of their day and their life, and the person with an external LOC sees themselves as being at the mercy of forces over which they have no control. If you have an Internal LOC, then you believe you have the power, or agency, to influence the course of your life through the choices you make and actions you take, but if you have an external LOC then your daily decisions and actions will have no positive or negative influence on the course of your life, except to minimize the pain and discomfort you will (inevitably) experience.
I had an interesting conversation with a client/friend last week where he was sharing his reservations about how much and which action to take in his career path because he was afraid he might interfere with God’s plan for his life. Although I have high respect for my friend (and God) I initially responded by saying, “You must have a puny God”. This startled him until I continued, “Because a God whose plans can be diverted by your actions is obviously a very impotent God.” I went on, “I take great comfort from the fact that when Jesus’ disciples were trying to choose a successor to Judas, they first prayed and then they drew straws or threw dice – a total act of chance.” I explained that I believe God honors our efforts to honor him and can guide our decision making, but often leaves it totally to us to choose the next right course of action. I think part of God’s “image” he planted in us is the ability choose and control our actions.
Several weeks ago we started down a path designed to help each of us identify and move toward answering the deeper longings we have for our work-lives, something I call The More You Were Made For. We began by writing the big things we want for our lives in order to begin understanding the deeper meanings for which we long – the foundational desires, aspirations and ambitions within us. Then we discussed how the key to attaining these, or arriving at any destination for that matter, is first determining where they are located. What Stephen Covey calls “beginning with the end in mind”. Then we have to define the personal, moral, and ethical guidelines essential to guiding a life intent on reaching those destinations. Last, I said that we must give some thought to what we really believe, or hold to be important, as the “rails” to prevent us from going off course.
Unfortunately, in my rush to give you the next step I completely forgot to mention the importance of Locus of Control. You see, at any point in time you and I will view ourselves as one of four persons in a story – a victim, a villain, a hero or a guide. Victims have an external LOC – they believe their lives are a product of things done to them and that they are powerless to influence how life goes. Villains also have an external LOC, but they are intent on making others suffer so that they can feel better about themselves. Heroes often have stories that have the same tragic elements as the victim or villain, in fact, they have often been victims themselves, but they have an internal LOC and are intent on affecting the course of their lives. And Guides? Well, guides have probably been all three at some point in time but they’ve learned some keys to living heroically, are committed to live heroically, and are intent on sharing those keys with others.
Locus of Control is a key to attaining the life you were made for because it’s impossible to move forward unless you first commit yourself to the idea that no matter what may occur in your life you always have a choice toward action. The quote from Second Hand Lions fits here because Heroes and Guides often experience setbacks and have doubts, but they continue to live and act as though they have the power to influence the events of their lives. We often admire them for doing this, but their alternative is to surrender control of their lives to outside forces and weakly accept the hand Fate deals them each day and, so, surrender hope of ever having the life they were made for – a life worth living.
If you can commit yourself to the idea that you always have a choice of how to interpret life’s events, and a choice of how to act and react in your life, then you can begin establishing daily guidelines for making those choices. Your "Personal Code" (the personal, moral, and ethical beliefs that guide your life) will help you define those guidelines, but you have to start by answering a fundamental question – “Do I believe I have the power to choose and take actions that can affect the path I’m on and direction I’m going?”
I’m indebted to several “guides” I’ve been given over the course of my life and from whom I’ve “stolen” many of the ideas I'm sharing with you. I first read Victor Frankl while in grad school, and you can find a link to his book Man’s Search for Meaning at the end of the quote above. Another guide, is Stephen Covey, who’s Seven Habits initially intimidated me until I understood that he was merely passing on hard-won insights and not telling me how I must live. Another is Donald Miller of whom I’ve been a fan since he taught me the elements of great stories in A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. Don recently released a book about how to live the life of a Hero on a Mission. I highly recommend it.
As I’ve said before, I’m always willing to meet in-person or by video conference to talk about these ideas and how you and I can apply them to our work-lives. I encourage you to take me up on the offer.
Next Up - Establishing practices and habits to get you More without going crazy.
My Best for You!