You Were Made for More! (Part 2: Defining Your Personal Code)
“People are working harder than ever, but because they lack clarity and vision, they aren’t getting very far. They, in essence, are pushing a rope with all of their might.”
– Dr. Stephen Covey
More than ever, people are sensing that they want more from their work-lives. Sunday night I watched a 60 Minutes interview with LinkedIn’s chief economist who talked about how 20 million people quit their jobs in 2020 because they want something more. According to her, “the pandemic brought that moment of reflection for everyone. "What do I wanna do? What makes my heart sing?" She expects the shift in the labor force to become permanent as employees cling to the flexibility they long for (and quit to attain).
Last week we started down a path designed to help each of you identify and move toward answering the deeper longings we have for our work-lives. We began that journey by asking hard but important questions like:
What kind of man or woman or person am I and who do I want to be?
What sorts of relationships do I have and what kind would I like to have?
What do I do to earn a living and how would I like that to be different?
What am I doing to enjoy the life I’m given and how can I do that better?
What kind of legacy would I leave if I died today and how would I like that to be different?
The answers to these and similar questions point toward the deeper meaning you long for and writing them down is an essential first step toward getting the “More” we want from life. Defining who you want to be comes directly from your heart – it is evidence of the foundational desires, aspirations and ambitions within you.
Naming your desires, aspirations and ambitions can point you to these deeper things, but fully understanding what you want can be a longer process. It takes time, experiences (positive and negative), self-awareness and reflection to remove the less substantial veneer from our deeper longings. Our purpose here is to move you closer to the life you want in a structured and (relatively) quick way. (I’m glad talk with anyone who wants to learn more about identifying your heart's longings.)
It’s not enough to just name your desires and aspirations, You Need a Plan to move toward those things or you’ll simply revisit your frustration and lack of fulfillment.
In his classic book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective people, Stephen Covey calls this planning process “beginning with the end in mind”. He says that you must “make a conscious effort to visualize who you are and what you want in life, then you empower other people and circumstances to shape you and your life by default. It’s about connecting again with your own uniqueness and then defining the personal, moral, and ethical guidelines within which you can most happily express and fulfill yourself.” franklincovey.com
Beginning with the end in mind requires taking actions that are informed by a personal, moral and ethical code or guidelines.
Well, where am I going to get that?
To quote Richard Foster, "these things don’t simply “fall on our heads”. Our ideals, moral and ethical codes have to be learned and practiced. They require us to do some work if we truly want them to influence our day-to-day thoughts and actions. Every desire, aspiration and ambition we hold requires us to continuously focus on learning and re-learning certain ideas, integrating them into our daily lives, and then practicing certain behaviors if we are to move toward what we want.
Actor Sidney Poitier, who died last week, was able to brake racial and stereotype barriers in Hollywood because he never took a role that required him to break his personal code of ethics and morality. He was clear in what he believed and consistently selected roles that gave him a platform for presenting those ideals. In fact, at times he required the right to revise specific lines or actions in a scene in order to ensure it fit his personal code. He learned and then practiced what was required for him to be the person he wanted to be. No one ever questioned what Sidney Poitier stood for.
So, the person who responded to last week’s questions with “I want to be a woman (or man) whose life stands for something worthwhile” has to first be clear what she or he means by standing for something. What are the qualities they want to display? How do they ensure their personal code is nothing more than an unconscious attempt at self-service? Is there someone universally respected who established those rules for living? Where will they find them? How can they learn them?
Likewise, the person who answers, “I want deep meaningful relationships where I contribute to people’s lives and they contribute to mine” must learn what such relationships must have. He or she must incorporate things like authenticity, emotional health, vulnerability, healthy boundaries and selfless giving into their heart and life, then actively look for and create opportunities to practice these. Real relationships happen life-on-a-life and not in the “socially connected” world of a smartphone, so to attain them you must be committed to living by a “code” that requires you to personally invest in having them.
That brings me to an important idea… Superficiality is the enemy of getting “More”. If you really want to get ”More” in your work and life, then you’re committing yourself to a lifestyle and a world view. That world view and lifestyle are guided by the idea that worthwhile things only come to those who work hard to attain them. “More” can’t be attained through half-hearted intentions, efforts or actions. “More” only comes to the committed and persistent person who is willing to work hard to get it.
So, we come to the second step in the process – defining the personal, moral, and ethical guidelines - the "Personal Code" - you’ll have to integrate into your life, and then practice, to begin moving toward “More”.
Specifically, I want you to ask, and answer, “What ideals (ethics, morals and personal code) do I need to integrate into my life, then consistently live by, to attain the dreams, aspirations and ambitions I've put on paper?” You may need to do this for each of the items you listed as part of your “More”. In short, you need to ask yourself, “What do I need to know to live the life I want?”
You may need to learn more about your faith or religious beliefs, elements of a healthy marriage or parenting, healthy work habits, leadership, physical and/or emotional health, or guidelines for being your best in other life endeavors. These are broad ideas and principles that guide your life. You may already have some ideas about what they are, but it can also be good to write them down so you can see them. After all, they are the characteristics by which you want to live and be known.
While each of them may imply daily activities and actions you’ll need to practice don’t go there yet! Diving into behaviors and actions before you establish WHY you do them will only lead to superficial changes. You need a fuller understanding of who you want to be and what you need to add to your life before you dive into actually “being” that person.
Next Up - Establishing daily practices and habits to get More