Are These Two Things Keeping You from the Life You Want?

Last Thursday I had fascinating conversations with a twenty-two-year-old prospective client and a sixty-year-old business owner-operator. Though they were miles apart in life experience they shared common traits – neither were very self-aware and neither understood why this has a negative effect on their work-lives. Then again, most people don’t realize that their level of Self-Awareness (SA), and it’s applied sister Emotional Intelligence (EI), will play a major role in how far you can go in your chosen vocational path.

My conversation with the younger man began typical of the free hour I give to every prospective client – he shared why he was considering career coaching, however, before I got very far in my explanation of what I would probably do to help him he cut me off. “I just can’t see how you can help me figure out how to make the most money I can possibly make”, he said. I replied, “It’s fine that you want to make a lot of money. I’m just curious about the questions or needs you see that money answering.” The conversation pretty much ended there, because he’d never stopped to ask himself why the money was important to him, and he didn’t want to go there with me.

The older fellow laid out a list of frustrations he’s experienced in managing his staff over the decades of running his business. The longest any of them had worked for him was seven years, with many leaving after two-to-three-year stints. To him they had been a series of frustrating interactions with “unreasonable and unsensible” people. He didn’t have a clue how the one thing they had in common – Him – might have played a role in his company’s high turnover rate.

The dictionary defines Self-Awareness as a “conscious knowledge of one's own character, feelings, motives, and desires”. It’s the ability to step outside of yourself and identify your own emotional state and then determine why you are feeling or acting that way. Self-Awareness is how we move from being reactive, unthinking people to insightful, thoughtful and purposeful beings. It is the “rational” part of Aristotle’s definition of mankind as a “Rational Animal”.

You can be born with higher or lower levels of Self-Awareness Emotional Intelligence but, by and large, most people don’t move from being reactive to complete self-awareness. It often takes a traumatic life event or series of events to get us to the place where we (usually with the assistance of someone else) begin to grow in our ability to identify and understand the things that drive us. The parent who teaches their child to identify their emotions and think about how they are behaving in reaction to those gives that child a true gift. But it’s often a therapist, a minister or an insightful friend who helps us become more self-aware.

Emotional-Intelligence develops when we begin to realize that the people around us are like us – they have differing levels of self-awareness but are most often reacting to something that’s going on in their hearts or minds. Emotional Intelligence takes that realization and adds to it the ability to control our own words and actions in ways that are appropriate or fitting to the emotional or mental state of someone else. It allows us to empathize with others, and even anticipate how situations and our own actions may affect them, and then alter our interactions with them to bring about mutually better outcomes. It is “putting ourselves in someone else’s shoes” then acting toward our mutual good.

Just like Self-Awareness, you can be born with higher or lower levels of Emotional Intelligence, but it takes a conscious commitment, time and persistence to fully develop your EI. Without it you will be more-less a captive to your own emotional reactions to other people and situations, making you much less effective in all of your relationships, especially those at work. People with a high level of EI will be perceived as warm, caring and empathetic, but without it you may be seen as cold, remote, distant or uncaring by others.

Those who develop their Emotional Intelligence have a great capacity to build relationships, teams and morale. They typically don’t take themselves (and others) as seriously because they understand they’re just humans with strengths and shortcomings, and that makes them more patient and optimistic. Leaders with high levels of EI have a passion for work that’s not driven by self-interest, money or status, but the development of greater ideals and the people around them That makes emotionally intelligent leaders more persistent in the face of adversity and failure because they’re driven by higher ideals and goals that aren’t confined to the short-term.

So how do you increase your own Self-Awareness and Emotional-Intelligence?

First – Seek out a relationship (paid or unpaid) with someone you recognize as having high levels of self-awareness and emotional intelligence. These people are easy to spot. They seem to float above life’s trials with a general optimism and hope about the future. They’re also good listeners who can accurately reflect back the feelings and frustrations you express to them. Often they’re also older, with some (or a lot) more life experience than you. Age and experience are the best teachers of Self-Awareness and Emotional Intelligence.

Second – Practice insight. Begin reflecting on the emotions you experience throughout your day, asking yourself why you were feeling the way you were. I share with many of my clients the idea that “Anger is a secondary emotion – It’s almost always a reaction to being hurt (or potentially hurt) in some way.”

This idea is a prompt for us to look beneath our anger, frustration, or other negative emotions to see what might be driving it. Very often it’s actually a response to fears that are a part of our inner narrative or self-talk. Becoming aware of our inner narrative frees us to NOT live in reaction to life or to the things people knowingly or unknowingly do to us.

Third – Begin holding yourself accountable for your reactions. Self-justification and rationalizing our reactions toward other people creates barriers to genuine relationships. When we view ourselves as responsible for our words and actions toward others (rather than the other way around) it begins to grow our empathy and understanding of them as well.

A wise man once said, “Forgive them, they don’t know what they’re doing.” Although his words can be understood as applying to people who were trying to kill him at the time, they are also true of human beings in general. Most people are unaware of the motivations and reactions that drive their behavior. Understanding this truth promotes the growth of humility, empathy and understanding for others within us.

Last – Begin asking the people you see every day good questions about themselves. One of my chief frustrations about living in the Southeastern U.S. is the typical greeting, “How are you?”, to which most people reply, “Fine. And you?” Most people don’t really want an honest answer. Don’t be content with “Fine”, push deeper with “No, really, how are you?” And then give them the time required to honestly listen to their responses. This simple exercise will grow your capacity to listen and care about people’s lives, as well as an appreciation for the patience and others-focus it takes to be Emotionally Intelligent.

Self-Aware and Emotionally Intelligent people go farther in their work-lives because they develop and maintain genuine relationships. They view people as something to be developed and grow, rather than used to ensure attainment of personal goals. They build rapport and group cohesion and lead change, rather than forcing others to march to their agenda. They are the people most of us want to be.

Growing Self-Awareness and Emotionally Intelligence are incidental and unexpected gains experienced by many or most of my clients. The process I use with my Career Coaching and Business Coaching clients grows a person’s Self-Awareness and our conversations give them a perspective of most of the people’s struggles with their own inner narrative. It’s not something I do intentionally, it just happens as a matter of course in the work we do together.

If you’d like to discuss these ideas with me, simply click this link and I’ll be happy to set up our conversation.

With My Best Regards,


Dr. Jim Bailey