The Unseen Things that Impact Your Day

A friend once told me, “Until your kids can drive it’s a family trip, not a vacation”. It’s sort of a Murphy’s Law for life with children. Well, last week Murphy showed up at my family beach vacation and taught me something that is going to make my life better.

 After an eight-hour drive we arrived after check-in to find the condominium uncleaned and without air conditioning. I wasn’t happy. However, before I slipped into my “Crisis Intervention Super Suit” and took control I decided it might be better to let my wife and son handle it. They got things resolved, but the experience revealed some important ideas.

First, I became aware of my Belief that it was my personal responsibility that the vacation be wonderful for everyone in the family. Therefore, every problem that arose required me to rescue my family and become “vacation hero Dad”. Until the crisis arose, I hadn’t even realized I had that belief, and though it wasn’t easy to relinquish control, I decided that maybe my wife and son were perfectly capable of handling the problems. As it turned out, they were.

 I’m not going to get into the psychological stuff that drove my need to be the family hero but challenging my (erroneous) belief gave me the freedom to NOT take a role that would have added to my personal exhaustion.

 Challenging my Belief also brought the benefit of a changed point-of-view - my Perspective. My belief fed a Perspective that these minor delays were catastrophes with the power to elevate my heart rate and blood pressure and ruin my mood. Instead, I was able to be a calm supportive husband and father and give my wife and son an opportunity to (once again) show their own competencies and be the family heroes.

Finally, my challenged Belief and changed Perspective shifted my understanding of situations - my Perceptions. I no longer viewed the events as win-or-lose threats to the family vacation but, rather, unforeseen random challenges that didn’t deserve the power to determine my/our happiness.

 Each day our Beliefs inform our Perspectives, and our Perspectives influence our Perceptions of the events of our lives. Without thinking about it we perceive, interpret, and react to the events of our days based on a set of Beliefs about how our lives and the world work. My doctoral advisor once told me, “Jim, all human behavior is purposeful. Our challenge is to understand what is (what beliefs are) driving someone’s behavior.” That truth applies to our own behavior too.

 For example, if you believe that life is a win-or-lose game, then every daily event is an-opportunity-to-gain or risk-of-losing what is or could be yours; every challenge and interpersonal encounter is a chance to become more-or-less in the world. BUT, if you believe life (or a benevolent higher power) provides for you and guides and shapes the events of your life so that you can become more or better, then your challenges and encounters represent opportunities for personal growth and impact on the world. The two belief systems result in wholly different behaviors in individuals and societies (such as selfishness or benevolence) by changing the Perspectives, Perceptions, and actions of the people who hold them.

 What are the Beliefs that drive your perspectives, perceptions, and behaviors? How you react to the events of your day, the news you hear, and the words and actions of the people in your life reveals your underlying beliefs. If you want to change your reactions to a situation you must first understand the beliefs that feed your perspectives and perceptions, then work to change those beliefs.

 A word to the wise, most of us become very attached to our beliefs and the resulting perceptions, so it’s often easier/wiser to first work on yourself rather than trying to change someone else’s beliefs. That said, most people are quite unaware of the beliefs that fuel their perspectives, perceptions and actions, so self-awareness is also a key to changing yourself.

 A simple start may be to ask yourself, “what or whom do I perceive as a threat to my happiness, my dreams, my safety or security?” (By the way, a belief that something or someone is a threat to you will cause you to live a defensive life, with the higher stress levels and negative physical and emotional health effects that stress causes.) Then ask yourself, “are these beliefs based on truth or have I just accepted them as true?” Another great question to ask is, “do these beliefs help me have a better life or do they make my life more difficult?”

 In the end I know I had a better vacation because I challenged and began to change a belief, of which I was unaware, that had been unwittingly driving my behaviors. Changing that belief allowed me to be a freer, more relaxed me. I know my family appreciated that. Now I just have figure out what to do with my Crisis Intervention Super Suit.

Beliefs (and not just the religious kind) impact the quality of your work life and personal life. I'm always glad to have a conversation about how you can have a more satisfying and impactful work-life.