Does Fear Influence Your Work-Life?
If you don’t know me, you might not know that I’m a nerd (geek, dork). Like many nerds I’ve been eagerly awaiting the day the movie Dune hits theaters. Dune was a science fiction novel then it was the inspiration for George Lucas’ script for Star Wars, then a lame movie in the '80s. I first read Dune during my freshman year of college and it changed the way I thought about the world.
The most important idea I took from Dune was that our fears can prevent us from having the life we want. Early in the story the main character, Paul, is in a training exercise and repeats to himself, “Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration.” Paul goes on to live a life that isn’t motivated by reacting to fear but achieves his goals by overcoming his fears; simultaneously leading a whole race of people into freedom.
In my years as a Career Coach I’ve learned that Fear is one of, if not The, most powerful factors in whether someone attains the work-life for which they were made. Our Fear take many forms – concerns, anxieties, dread, unease, worry and angst, and negative self-talk – but it always immobilizes us. Fear causes people to stay in place or retreat from life, rather than moving toward something positive.
Albert Ellis, a Cognitive Behavioral Psychology pioneer, noted that most of people’s behaviors are in reaction to a fear they hold, and that most of them aren’t based on a logical reason. In effect, Ellis said we each can operate our lives reacting to an idea: “It will be a horrible, terrible thing if _________ should happen”, with each of us have one or more things that we could use to fill in the blank based on who we are and what we fear.
A woman I know spent most of her adult life striving to be perfect in all her life roles – wife, mother, employee, friend, religious follower – and worked hard to ensure she met an unspoken (except in her heart) fear of being found lacking in one or more of those life roles. Another almost developed ulcers trying to ensure all of her friends were happy with her at all times.
Men often have difficulty recognizing the fears that drive them. Ideas like being a “real man”, being “smart”, being “a success”, being “a good provider”, avoiding humiliation and shame or appearing “weak” or foolish, and similar ideas often occupy the hearts of my male clients. They can have difficulty sharing their feelings because they were carefully taught to “act like you have it together, even if you’re falling apart on the inside”, and fear being found inadequate in one of those areas.
The problem with living in reaction to our fears is two-fold. First, our fears are often founded on imagined possibilities and events that are sometimes unlikely and often irrational; And, living to prevent “what might be” causes us to live Re-active, rather than Pro-active lives.
People with the gifts of imagination and creativity can envision what could be, sometimes in its idealized or perfected form. Unfortunately, they can also envision how things could go horribly, terribly wrong. Others have had very powerful, negative or tragic events occur in their lives. Either group is at high risk to tailor their lives and actions to prevent these negative events from occurring or re-occurring if they are motivated by fear.
When we live our lives to prevent negative events from occurring or reoccurring, we become reactive. We constantly scan for signs of the things we want to avoid and build risk-averse lifestyles aimed at safety, security and minimizing negative events. We turn our lives inward to protect ourselves from negative things or having what we do possess taken away.
Yesterday a client told me that she would like to be fired so that she can finally start pursuing the life she wants. Her reason – the job she has, and hates, has the security of a good salary and benefits that she doesn’t want to give up. Fear of what she might lose is preventing her from pursuing something that might be far better. Her work-life is paralyzed.
As a Career and Business Coach I teach clients how to take proactive steps toward the work-life they want. We are better served by using our strengths to move toward life goals than by building protections against those things we fear or don’t want in our lives.
So, How Do You Get Free from The Control of Your Fears?
First, Name What you Fear. I sometimes have Career and Business clients to make a list of the things they fear. Taking the time to identify our personal and career fears puts a name on them, and writing them down actually decreases the power they have to drive our actions. Identifying the things we fear is a first, essential step toward becoming free from having them drive our lives.
Second, Recognize that Most of What We Fear is Only Imagined and May Never Happen. I was eight years old when I watched men walk on the moon and thought that we would walk on Mars by 2000. Fiifty years later I’m still wondering if we’ll reach Mars in my lifetime. My point is that even if what we imagine (and possibly fear) happening is reasonable, it may not be likely. The problem with trying to anticipate the future is that it may or may not occur. Imagination is a gift that can lead to wonderful creativity and invention, but it isn’t a solid basis for planning and living our lives, especially when we live to prevent the occurrence of what we fear may happen.
Third, Confidence is Key. Self-confidence is good when it’s based on an accurate and objective understanding of our strengths, our skills, and of what is actually within our control. This isn't the same as flimsy self-help approaches that ignore that bad things can happen or that overstate how much power you have to change your life and the world. But every person has some power to determine their own attitude, their own actions, and the places where they can act to change the course of their lives.
Fourth, put Trust in a Greater or Higher Power. A pivotal cause of people having increasing fear issues is that we’ve tossed aside the idea that there is a greater, more powerful entity that will watch over and protect us if we ask him too. A world without God is a world that puts all the responsibility on us to ensure our fears don’t come true – and most of us recognize we have very limited means to protect ourselves from all we fear.
This isn’t just a religious proposition. There are volumes of research that draw a clear connection between the decline of religious faith and increases in fear and mental health issues in our society. Human beings essentially have two choices – live lives in reaction to fears or trust that our needs will be met by someone or something greater than ourselves. Don’t believe me? Just look at the growth in the popularity of socialist or Marxist political ideology. Fearful people want to be protected, if not by God, then by government, and if not by government… well, just take a look at recent gun sales statistics.
Last, Be Proactive. Ask yourself, “What are the things I can do in this day to move me toward the goals I have for my life and my world”, then go do them. Gandhi said, “Be the change you want to see in the world”, but you can also extend that same principle into your own life. By clearly identifying the qualities and characteristics you want your life to have you can determine the steps or actions within your power to accomplish those changes. While no one has certainty that she or he will attain all of their goals, taking action steps toward them increases the number you could accomplish.
The move from a life lived in reaction to fears to proactive pursuit of good things is a move toward greater health and often more happiness. It’s also a life-long pursuit. Many of the things we fear are deeply rooted in childhood memories and feelings and may take a long time to conquer. A life lived in recognition of our fears, recognizing we are not alone in this, then turning toward making positive things happen is the only solution to work-lives that are truly free.
If you’d like to discuss these ideas with me, simply click this link and I’ll be happy to set up our conversation.